July 24, 2007


Posted in Uncategorized at 11:27 0 by gillsmoke

The reality:
I went to go register for classes at the community college. When I got there I couldn’t find the admissions building. Seeing all of the people moving with confidence sapped mine. I grew so afraid that I walked back home and hid under the covers for the rest of the day. That was the longest period of time I was afraid. Every step there I grew more afraid of circumstances I was stepping into. I already feared public ridicule. Every step home I berated myself. I felt foolish, ashamed and decidedly inferior. I’m not going to admit any of this to you people … wait i just did.

The fantastic:
And so I knew it was bad, from the way the muscles in my abdomen siezed, gripped by the claw of sudden fear. I knew is was bad because I felt like I was falling. I knew it was bad because my steps became faster as the dread of my discovery became a certianty instead of a fantasy. I used to get night terrors as a child so I knew what fear was, I touched terror so often it had almost became a friend. My parents had one of those cutsie wall hangings that said, “Better to be a child afraid of the darkness of night than a grownup afraid of the light of the day.” “Tell that to the child,” I always thought. But this was bad, way worse. My fingers started tingling because my breathing had become so rapid and shallow as the overriding fear overtook me and I knew I’d better sit down, but I kept running until I fell.

I inspired fear in others as well, Dreadlocks in a mohawk with pierced nipples on a guy will kind of draw attention. The distorted grimaces of shock and awe became my commonplace world view. Everybody was scared. I felt like something out of a Lovecraft novel, “He held secrets no man was meant to know, and to know the secret would drive you mad. Boo!” If I scared you first was the thinking I had. Nobody knew, and hiding it was the most important thing. All the jocks knew if you messed with me then watch out. A reputation earned, not just given. But still nobody knew, the dread of discovery I carried.

I held my talisman in my pocket as I willed my body to breathe. That stupid thing never worked but still I carried it because my Grandma said it would help. My vision was narrowing now, it was like the time I’d gotten bit by a rattlesnake. My heart was pounding so hard I couldn’t hear anything else. My mind was racing. “Who knew? Who saw? Who’d tell?” Like a litany in my brain. I saw the snake now crushed dead by a rock, “You know, they are more afraid of you than you are of them.” Yeah right. Things were beginning to return to normal.

I heard someone walking up to me, and I wished that I was invisible. My heart skipped a beat as my chest froze again. I didn’t want anybody to see, then they would know for sure. There it was again, a footfall behind me. I slowly rolled over to see who would be my Judas, but there wasn’t anybody there. I sat up and the ringing in my ears began to fade. I wanted to say, “Who’s there?” but I knew that my mind was playing tricks again. but still my head jerked back and forth like a spooked meerkat looking for anybody anything that might bear witness against me. It wasn’t since my night terrors that I had pissed myself with fear but as I stood to finish getting home I felt the coolness on my legs and the wet spot on the ground and I knew what had happened. Now with shame as well as fear I hurried home. Maybe it was a nightmare and I’d wake up. The pain from the scrape on my cheek told me that there was slim chance of that. “Maybe nobody knew,” I tried to offer myself hope. From the stunned silence when they saw me I knew there was no chance of that.


July 17, 2007

Writing assignment

Posted in writing, writing prompts at 14:53 0 by gillsmoke

A Physical description of fear without reveling what is feared, Personal.

The 3 remaining readers have spoken. 500 to 1000 words regarding fear. I’m sorry teacher but I’m going to need an extension. by next Monday agreed?

Fellow remedial students CRSE Gretty and Mert, will you rise to the proposed challenge. If you don’t feel comfortable posting on your own site you can leave a comment here.

July 10, 2007

So you want to be an author…

Posted in writing at 08:00 0 by gillsmoke

… then you better write.
The problem is I don’t know what to write about. I definitely could use some parameters. I remember English 101, your assignment is that, it is due on this day. It must be at least so many words not to exceed that many words. Take the rest of the class to brainstorm and hand your topic before you leave. I hated those assignments and always looked for the most off the wall way to complete the assignment. For instance describe a room, I did it chronologically as a Psych ward patient awoke in restraints, coming to in waves. My backup plan was an orator practicing his speech. walking around a large foyer.
I have argued sarcastically against the separation of church and state, we had just read the famous Jonathan Swift article about eating babies as a way through the Potato Famine, and needed to write an argumentative article. I said Satanism should be the state religion, and we should feed the Christians to the lions like the Romans did.

So audience give the parameters. What should I write? Tell me and I’ll give it. I’m thinking about 500 to 1000 words. I’m thinking English 101, creative nonfiction. Give me a topic and a style. “Describe a room” counts as both. Crawlspace and CRSE, I’m looking at you. I’ll give it a week for topics. I’ll have a finished piece the following week.